Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
