i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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