mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
