forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
