when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
