Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
