Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
