There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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