I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
