my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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