Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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