I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
