hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
