Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
