I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
