Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize