im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
