So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
