kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
high people should be assigned attendants
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
