Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
50% drunk capacity currently
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
