the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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