next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
