I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
