I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
