if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Say something about gay babies.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
