if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
