You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
