it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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