last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
