after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
