last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
