he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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