Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
