I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
