i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
