Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So apparently I’m into choking now
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