I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
