I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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