WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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