i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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