just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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