I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
