Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
