Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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