So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
