I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
