We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
