My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize