everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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