I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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