i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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