Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
