So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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