If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
