my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm like, not good at living.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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