so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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