Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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