Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
