k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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