did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
