Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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