i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's never too late to be topless.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
