I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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