life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
